I’ve started at least 4 other drafts of this, trying to get it together about how I feel. It’s just hard to put it all together. I’m so adrift right now. I’m working a Stay at Home Mom lifestyle right now and it’s pretty ok. We can’t put the Bug into daycare until she’s at least a year old. Even if I did go back to work, daycare is so expensive that I would need to make significantly more than I was making before the baby for it to be worth it. I’ve had my own job and my own money since I was 13. I bought things when I wanted them, I save money when I wanted. This new life where I have to like…clear my purchases is really chafing me. Not that CM doesn’t get me whatever I need and things that I want, but it’s different. I don’t want to ask for money for frivolous things like a pedicure when he’s the sole provider. I’m not comfortable when I think about how much money we owe. Bug was covered for just a little over $1 million dollars in medical bills with CM’s insurance, for just 73 days. We still owe another $78,000 for what wasn’t covered. This is on top of what I owe for giving birth. I left one job for another because I thought, “hey, I have 15 more weeks till this baby,” and it was going to be day 1 insurance coverage at the new job. Unfortunately I went into labor in the 2 week period that I wouldn’t have coverage. It weighs on me all the time. Do I stay home and work on just being a mom? Do I go back to work as soon as I can and start trying to make a dent in this medical debt? Do I declare bankruptcy? I haven’t written in forever because I just can’t stop worrying all the time. I can’t take this weight off of my chest. I gotta get some things out and written down though.
Over the last few days I have been trying to look at myself and take stock of where I am, emotionally. It’s not awesome. I don’t feel awesome. I have bipolar disorder 2. I was diagnosed when I was 20 years old and I’ve only done a fair to moderate job of staying on my meds throughout my life. After I split up with my ex husband (a store I’ll get to, eventually) I got back on my medication. I was seeing a counselor regular. Hell, I even lost 60 pounds. However, I stopped taking my medication when I found out that I was pregnant. I know that there are medications that are deemed safe, I wasn’t comfortable with any. Maybe it was the right decision, maybe it wasn’t, I don’t really know. It’s the decision I made at the time. Maybe it wasn’t the right choice but I was afraid of any effects on the baby, now I wonder if it would have mattered. She came so early and I wonder if my stress and mental state contributed to it. I look back and I second guess so many decisions that I made while I was pregnant but honestly, other than my meds I did pretty well. I didn’t smoke, didn’t drink, I got plenty of water, I took the multivitamins, I made it to all my prenatal visits, and I did all the things I was supposed to do. There just really isn’t any discernible reason for it.
That’s the hard part, I don’t like not knowing or understanding WHY something happened. Now Bug is doing pretty ok and I’m left to trying to put everything together. I’m trying to put my mind together, my heart, and my illness. I have all these doubts. I love my boyfriend and I know that he loves me, but every disagreement that we have I take so personally. I feel like he doesn’t value me. I know that it isn’t true. I know that this is my illness talking. I keep looking at my baby and I’m trying to understand myself as a new person that is a parent. I am sure I could be accused of taking something that women have been doing for ages and turning it into a personal crisis. I don’t care, though. I know I’m not the only person who feels overwhelmed. I know I’m not the only person trying to reconcile the person that they were a year ago with the person they have to be now. I know that I’m not the only one who is unsure of themselves. It makes me tired. I feel so fatigued all the time. All the worry and self doubt keeps me awake at night. I don’t sleep well and I feel anxious about everything.
I did finally go to the gynecologist though. It only took me 8 months after having a baby. In fairness to me though, I tried to schedule 2 months ago and they only had appointments 1 month out and I missed that because I had a stomach flu and had to take an appointment another month after that. Still though, waiting 6 months to go see a doctor is obviously wildly irresponsible. I can excuse myself for the time when Bug was in the NICU because I could barely process anything that wasn’t her. The 3 months following was pure procrastination and unwillingness to dehermit myself. YAY MENTAL ILLNESS! They put in an IUD and I got a prescription for my antidepressant. I need to find a new head shrinker though. The doctor I was going to closed her practice and retired. I don’t know if you know what it’s like looking for an office with both a psychiatrist and a psychologist but it’s not fun and it’s not easy. Then if you do find one they have to be accepting new patients and take your insurance. If you aren’t crazy when you start looking for a doctor, you will be by the end.
I know this was all over the place but I really just had to get it all out there. I can talk more about all of it in detail as I go but for right now, it just needed to be written down to rest my brain.